Friday, January 30, 2009

Article From The Dawn

 

Daddy?
Yes, son.
Are we going to have a war with India?
Perhaps.
Oh, goody. We will thrash them, right? Like we did in 1857!
It wasn't in 1857, son.
Oh, okay. But whom did we thrash in 1857?
The British, son…
And the Hindus too, right?
Well, not quite - we were on the same side then.

Did Qaid-I-Azam fight in that war along with Muhammad bin Qasim and Imran Khan?
No, son. The Qaid and Imran were born much later and Muhammad Bin Qasim died many years before.
Then who ruled Pakistan in those days?
There was no Pakistan in those days, son.
But there was always a Pakistan! It has been there for 5,000 years!
Who have you been talking to, son?
No one. I've just been watching TV.
It figures.
Daddy, why are all these people against us Arabs?
Arabs? But we aren't Arabs, son.
Of course we are because our ancestors were Arabs!
No, son. Our ancestors were of the Sub continental stock.
Sub-what?
Never mind. You seem to like wars, son.
Yes. I like to watch them on TV.
But real wars are fought outside the TV, son.
Really? What sort of a war is that? Never mind. Daddy, you look worried.
Of course I am, you little warmongering punk!
Daddy! Why are you scolding me?
Because TV is talking rot and so are you!
Daddy, are you supporting Hindus?
No!
Daddy, have you become a kafir?
Keep quiet! No more TV for you! Go watch a movie on DVD or listen to a CD.
Can't do that.
But we have so many DVDs and CDs, son.
Not any more.
What do you mean?
I burned them all.
What?!
I burned them all.
I heard that! But why?
They are all Bollywood trash and spread obscenity.
Oh, God. Son, go do your homework. What happened to that science project you were working on?
It's almost complete.
Good boy. What are you making?
A bomb.
What?!
A bomb.
I heard that! But why?
Because I am a true Muslim who hates America.
But only last week you wanted to go to Disney Land.
That's different.
How come?
Mickey Mouse is Muslim.
No, he isn't.
Is so. He converted when he heard azaan on the moon.
On the moon?
Yes.......Daddy, do you want to see my science project, or not?
Gosh, that bomb? But your science teacher won't like it.
No, she wont.
Really?
Yes. I plan to blow her up as well.
God, what is wrong with you? Go call your mother!
She can't come.
Why not?
I've locked her in the kitchen.
But why?
I will not let her out until she covers herself up properly!
But she's your mother!
She's also a woman!
So?
So she should be hidden.
Hidden from whom?
The whole world and Tony.
Tony?
Yes, Tony.
But Tony's a dog.
Yes. But he's male.
Son, have you gone mad?
No. By the way, I've made sure Kitto starts covering up as well.
Kitto?
Yes, Kittto.
But Kitto's a cat!
Yes. But a female cat.
But she'll suffocate.
Oh, she's already dead.
What?
I said she's already dead.
I heard that! But how?
I buried her alive.
You what?
Yes. To avenge Tony's honour. But now I will behead Tony.
But why?
To save mom's honour!
Oh, God!
Don't say God. Always say Allah.
What's the difference?
Daddy, do you want to be beheaded too?
No!
Do you want to be stoned to death?
No!
Do you want to be flogged?
No!
Do you want to get your arms chopped off?
No!
Then stop asking silly questions. By the way, I won't call you daddy anymore.
What will you call me then?
Whatever that is Arabic for daddy.
I don't know any Arabic, son.
That's because you are a kafir.
Who the heck are you to tell me who I am, you little fascist twit!
What's a fascist?
An irrational, violent, self-righteous mad man!
W... aaaaaaa...
Why are you crying?
You scolded me you kafir.
Okay, I'm sorry. You have to be tolerant and rational, son. Now be a good boy and go read a book instead of watching TV.
I have no books.
Of course, you do. I bought you so many books.
I burned them.
But why?
They were all in English.
So?
It's a non-Muslim language!
But we are speaking English, aren't we?
W... aaaaaaa…
What now?
Zionists made me forget my Arabic.
But you never knew any Arabic, son.
Yes, I did until you and mommy gave me the polio drops
Okay, tell me, can you do me a favour?
Sure, dad.
Can you blow up something for me?
Oh, goody! Of course, dad. What should I blow? A hospital, a hotel, a barber shop...?
No, no, something a lot more sinister.
Mom? Tony?

No, no…
What then?
The TV set!
Blow the TV set? But why - I don't want to do it, mom won't like it too.
Just do it!
Uh... Dad?
Yes.
How come you're so undemocratic, we outvoted you 2 to 1!!

7 comments:

ayyo.... said...

I saw it on my friend's blog. Thought I would share with you guys.
Reminded me a lot about Khuda Ke Liye..

Nidhi said...

this is a good one ayyo:)

Aisha said...

Good one aayo! :)

ayyo.... said...

@Nishi and Aisha
Thanks..! But I love the exaggeration that the author does to prove his point, dark humour, at it's best..!

mehak said...

nice ayyo :)

ayyo.... said...

Gee, thanks Mehak..!

Sikander Fayyaz Khan said...

Nadeem F Paracha, despite being a liberal extremist is a 'fun to read' kind of a columnist. I enjoy his political writings as much as I've enjoyed his music reviews for years.

This post in particular, in my view, targets Zaid Hamid, an ex Mujahid who fought soviets in Afghanistan and now a defense analyst and head of a security consultancy firm. He regularly appears on some tv channels and has been extremely vocal against India, Us and Israel.

When I read this for the first time in Dawn some months back, Zaid was the first person that came in my mind.